Fake Drinking(Take 25)
When you become our age and have been married for a few years...you always get the, "When are you guys going to start trying?" questions. So the instant your wife is spotted sans alcoholic beverage, the rumors will fly and speculation mounts.
Caroline and I have perfected the "Art Of the Fake Drink"(AOFD). We've had a bit more practice than others, since we decided to stay alcohol free during the fertility treatments, but I would like to think we've mastered it, and tricked many of you along the process.
How to perform the AOFD:
To fully satisfy the AOFD, you need one key ingredient- A team mate. A team mate should typically come in the form of a husband, but can often be replaced with a close friend that knows your situation and has never been involved in any form verbal throw-up. I mean, what good is a team mate if they can't keep the secret.
If you're going to a restaurant, you need to be the first one there. If you're the first one there you can let the bartender in on your little secret, and when you order a "vodka and soda" you really mean a "soda and lime". Mexican food joints are the best, order the largest fake margarita possible. Own the situation too, I've seen Caroline send back a Fake-rita because it looked too fake. Salt the rim, ask for umbrellas, do it all. They will typically last the whole dinner too, and you don't get any of the questions.
Know your audience-If you're going to a wedding, have your "team mate" do some recon. Find out if the reception is beer and wine only, or liquor too. Why? This is a huge part of the AOFD. If it's beer and wine, you can't fake a vodka soda all night. So here's what we did at a recent wedding: Bought some alcohol free wine and bought some cranberry juice drinks at the gas station. Empty the juice, put the fake wine in the juice bottles. Put the juice bottles into your purse. As the reception starts and wine is being passed grab yourself a glass, and then you need to have the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. Dump wine in toilet, put juice in wine glass...Presto Change-o. You're drinking "wine".
The last part of completing the AOFD is what I call the "Survivor Method". You must "outlast" the competition. If you are going toe to toe with some drinking heavyweights, you will slowly notice they may be getting louder or repeating the same stories. This is when you have achieved victory. They're drunk! Once they are drunk, they quit paying attention to what you are drinking, and more attention to what they are drinking.
So, some have you have been duped by us in the past weeks, and some of you will sure be doing the duping in the near future...so Cheers, or fake cheers.